The beginging of our journey...

27th January 2017
I gave birth to our second very beautiful little girl, Daisy.  We couldn't be any happier with the family we had created. 

At just 14 hours old Daisy had failed her newborn screening, there was no response in both ears. The women carrying out these tests reassured me that it was completely normal for babies to fail there first newborn screening, especially when they are early      (Daisy was 2 weeks early ). We got told to go back to Burton hospital on the 29th which would make Daisy 3 days old already.

29th January 2017

I was sitting in the corridor waiting to be seen by the audiologist, feeling very confident that Daisy would pass her newborn screening and we wouldn't have to go back to another hospital for a very long time.

Sitting in the room, quite as a mouse, with Daisy lying in my arms while she has the newborn screening tests done I was just thinking that everything was going to be fine, it was probably just fluid in the ears and that she'll pass with flying colours. 

Oh how I was wrong, Daisy failed the 1st test, the newborn audiologist did a 2nd test on Daisy which meant her having little ears muffs (headphones) over her ears and 5 wires, one of her forehead, 2 either side behind the ears and the last one at the back of her neck, this lasted a good 20/25 minutes. Daisy flinched a few times during this test, which I thought was a good sign. Once the audiologist had finished that test, I knew from the look of her face it wasn't good news Daisy had failed that screening test too, there was no response in both ears again.

So many thoughts was going through my head at this point!! Is there fluid behind the ear still? Why is there no response in both ears? Is my baby deaf?

The  audiologist explained that there was no response in either ear, and that she was going to refer Daisy to Cannock hospital to  the audiologist department there, where they would carry out much more in-depth tests on Daisy.

I left that room with my heart in my stomach, I was devastated about the news. All I wanted to do was to burst into tears.  I dreaded telling the family the news.

As the days passed, we would try and make as much noise as possible around her, but still she didn't flinch! Not even a flinch when the smoke alarm goes off at home. I knew then something wasn't right. Even the family would try to make her flinch, just once, any sound possible but there was no hope.

24th February 2017

Daisy is now 4 weeks old, and we was off to Cannock hospital for her  hearing tests.

Waiting in the waiting room with my mum, with clammy hands and feeling like I want to throw up, I didn't know what I was going to get told about my beautiful little girl,always hoping for some good news.

We was greeted by a lovely women called Mandy, who would be carrying out the tests on Daisy.  She asked a few questions about Daisy and if there was any history with hearing loss in the family. Daisy was feeding 4/5oz every 3 hours and sleeping well. So Daisy herself was completely fine and there is no family history of hearing loss at a young age in either family.

Mandy carried out the 1st test which was the same test they do when they are newborn's, and she failed again in both ears. We then went onto a much longer test which lasted 35 minutes, and this sends different pitches into her ears, this then followed on to another test where Mandy would control the pitches and go has high as she could on this machine to see if there was a response.

Daisy was laying on my lap, on a pillow, asleep the whole time this was going on. With wires on her head and things in her ears, she wasn't bothered one bit. Daisy flinched a few times through these tests, which me and my mum thought was a good sign, we had hoped once these tests were done, Mandy would tell us the results were good news.

But instead we had the opposite, Mandy pulled up a chair in the middle of the room and just by her face I knew what she was going to say. She explained that there was no response in either ears and that there is some sort of hearing loss!

That was it I burst into tears. The most horrible news any mum would want to hear about her newborn baby! I felt sick, I just wanted to get up and walk out the room.

Mandy asked me if I had any questions, my thoughts were empty, I was just in so much shock, I didn't even know what to say.

Mandy went onto explain what the possible outcomes were. Hearing aids would be introduced first for a couple of weeks/months and then she would probably have  cochlear implants before her 1 birthday.

Mandy wanted us to go back in 2 weeks time (10th March) to just confirm the result, that there is definitely was no response, and also to try a very in-depth machine, which will make much higher pitches than the one she just did.

I left that room a broken mum for her daughter. I didn't know how I was going to tell my partner or family.. especially without crying. 

As that day went on, I had so many questions I needed answering...

Will Daisy ever hear?

What caused this? 

Is it my fault?

Is it because she was 2 weeks early?

Will she live a normal life with little help?

What happens next?

the list is endless..

Nothing prepares you for that news.  I had to get my mum to tell most of the family and the people I told I had to do it  over text as I couldn't bring myself to talk or ring them.

I hated when people spoke about it around me, I just wanted to walk out the room. But I sat there trying to keep a brave face on, answering there questions, when really all I wanted to do was to be left alone, so I could just cry it all out and get my head round it.

Just to think a tiny little girl, who hasn't got a clue what is going on, doesn't have a clue that sound exists, has not yet heard her mommy's voice! She's just in her own little bubble no worries or care in the world!

That night I went to bed researching about everything. I had a few tears where the information was getting to much.  The National Deaf Society for Children website has so much useful information, from information on hearing aids to cochlear implants to family's sharing there journey to success with there child's hearing loss. Reading positive stories about other peoples journeys, is such a boost of confidence.

I'm not going to lie but I did blame myself for it, I felt like I failed her during my pregnancy, even though I did everything right. And I did honestly feel like I was on a soap, as you see it on the telly about hearing loss, and you read stories people have shared, but you never think it would happen to you, but then it does and its a proper eye opener. You think, why has this happened to my baby?.

I still have days now where I look at her and just burst into tears. I'm not bothered that she is deaf its the not knowing of what's going to happen and what the future holds for her. but she is still our little girl, and we love her just as much as her big sister.

I'm going to be blogging mine and Daisy's  journey throughout this process, not only for my benefit, but for other parents out there who have or are going through the same process as us.